There is no longer black and white, only shades of gray.   I love you!  You are the boy who never grew up.  You are Peter and I am Wendy.  We are separated but the love continues.  I can't wait to see you in Neverland. Til then, I will hang with the pirates since you loved them so much!  Maybe I read into things too much but it makes sense to me my adventurous boy!

I'm still not sure if the life I have left is dead or living.  It hurts so much sometimes.  I watch movies and my life could be one.  I prefer the boring, normal life, anything to this.  People complain about the most trivial things.  I don't understand that when having a loss like this.  I understand for people who don't know.  They are oblivious to it and lucky they are.  It is how I used to be.  I have learned so much but I would take back ignorance any day over this.  Having you for 18 and a half years, I am so thankful for that.  For others it has been less.  But I also have 18 and a half years of reminders.  I can't tell you how many times a day I think of you.  Still too many to keep track.  All the things that remind me you are gone.  While memories are treasured, they bring tears.  I cannot believe almost 4 years have passed.  They have been consumed with grief.  You lived at home.  Your prescence there is missed, your sleeping on the couch, your eating our leftovers, your things.  Going to the grocery store after you left almost caused me to collapse.  People don't seem to realize how difficult it is.  Four years later and it seems you have been forgotten by many.  I know that is not really the case.  What are they supposed to do?  They have to live just like I do.  I have been disappointed by many.  While I know I expected too much, some are willing to give nothing.  I can't seem to get past those.  Does that make me mean or smart?  There are so many contradictions in this life.  I didn't think I would survive.  I really didn't.  But here I am, left to try to make the best of this thing called life when it hurts so much to live. 

Without you....the sun does not shine as bright but I am noticing more the rays of light shining down through the clouds....life is hard, extremely, and I don't see that ever changing....you are missed everyday in so many ways....I think of you so many times a day and am surprised that there is anytime that I don't....that even hurts...this weekend we were watching "A Walk to Remember"- it came on and I noticed how Landon was visting Jamie's dad 4 years after her passing, same time frame as you.  This movie that you recorded is still on our DVR at home....It seems the appropriate theme of this years March 8th...I have learned so much. When death really affects you like this, you just do.  You are in two places at once.  You are there and yet still here.  How people can disappoint.  But believing in them can make a difference.  How Landon had a star named after Jamie, just like we did for you and Emily.  How she was 18 and how in the beginning of the movie, it was so errily familiar.  How grief can cause weird thoughts, like when her dad couldn't look at her after her mother died.  Things can be too painful.  I never thought I would survive this, but I have.  How to not care about what people think.   How someone who treats you badly can turn it around if they try hard enough.  How Landon's life was better for knowing her.  I love you and miss you dear boy with the sweetest heart.

Blue Man Group-you never got to see :(  Universal/IOA - we are going in your memory this year

Went and saw Billy Elliott Sunday with Nanny and Aunt Cathy.  The mom/son parts were very emotional for me.  They have scanners on phones now.  Codes for websites.  Keith tweeted about Peter Pan the other day.  Then he said "Scouts honor" the night dad went to Scouts to present about snakes.  These things all mean something to me.  Maybe I read into them too much but I'd like to think not.  I love you and miss you so much baby.  It's almost 4 years and I still cannot believe I never get to see you again in person in this lifetime of mine.  Can't wait to hug you for real.  Amazing how your perspective on death changes when someone you love so much is waiting for you in heaven.